First Sunday of Advent

I love advent. It's such an exciting time. All the anticipation building towards that exciting day. So much meaning.

Advent.

The cheesy newsletter that my church sends out had a section this time about advent, that was actually not that cheesy. It said that advent is a time that we try to imagine what it was like to still be waiting for the messiah. To be waiting for the day that God had promised, but that had not yet been fulfilled.

And yet, we live in that time today. Jesus has come, but we are waiting again. We await the day that the Christ will come again in glory.

Advent is both of these in one. The anticipation of the first coming of Jesus and also the anticipation of the second coming of Jesus.

For Christians, this is truly a holy time, a time of deep meaning bound up in what has been and what has yet to come about. And even what is now happening in the kingdom of God. So exciting.

I love it.

Dichotomy

Sometime I feel like there is a deep canyon between who I wish to be and who I am. Between who I portray to the world and what God, or even just my roommates, sees on a day to day basis.

I used to wear masks. Not physical ones, but powerful ones just the same. I had several for school (depending on the crowd I was with), another for church, perhaps still another for youth group, one for my immediate family and one for my extended family. I didn't like who I was, so I was many different "me"s. When I left for college I had this excitement in me. I thought I would invent a new "me," one I could be all the time. I wouldn't have to change from situation to situation, I would just be this wonderful new version of me.

Before college was even over I realized something profoundly encouraging and discouraging at the same time. I had not invented a wonderful new me. Rather, I found out who I really was. This real me is a flawed person. But this real me also has good qualities. She likes knowledge. She enjoys learning new things, even things that don't seem important. She's unselfish with her knowledge in that she wants others to benefit from it if possible. But knowledge is also a source of pride for her. She has natural ability to be a leader, but allows fear of failure to keep her from reaching her true potential at times. She is impatient, with herself and with others. She has great potential for love, but often hides her heart from others because of past pain. She is an idealist in her heart, but a realist in her actions. Most often she expresses pessimism even when she secretly expects the opposite.

This "real me" loves God and trusts him. When I am the most "me" I can possibly be, I have nothing but love and respect and awe for this God I have met who created the mountains and the hills, the sky and earth, the sun and moon and stars. This God created phytoplankton and quasars and photosynthesis and the man who invented air conditioning. This God desires a relationship with me and was willing to leave heaven (whatever/whereever/however) that might be and enter time and space to become human in order to achieve this. This God blows my mind. The real me, the me I am when I am the most me I can be, worships this God.

But...

But I'm a hypocrite. I have never really gotten over wearing masks. If Eve had three faces, Sarah has 33. Even though I know who I really am, I don't always... be that person. I don't even really understand how this works. I just know it's true. Sometimes I am not "me," not the real me. And when I hide my true self, I hide from God and everyone else. And when I do this, I usually end up being profoundly unhappy.

So why do I hide? Why do I wear a mask and pretend? Why is there sometimes a divide between the way I act and the things I say, and who I really am?

I have no answers. Just questions. But sometimes asking the questions is the important thing. Right?